Everyone on the internet is a racist. Everyone who watches Seinfeld is a racist. I think all this racism is happening because we don't know enough about one another. We need to learn about other people's cultures and respect one another as human beings. I've learned a lot about "urban" culture that I'd like to share with you, in hopes that maybe it will bridge that Gap®. Here are my ghetto secrets.
The Chicken Soup Sandwich - This is exactly what it sounds like. Cook up some chicken noodle soup and fork out the contents onto two slices of bread. Its cheap an easy, you can even make it if your electricity has been shut off. Just hold a lighter underneath the can till its your desired temp and enjoy.
Yeah, we've all heard of unemployment, but have you ever heard of Funemployment? (P.S. Avoid the currency exchange on the 1st and 15th of the month. That's when the checks come.)
Thug Workouts - You don't need some fancy gym membership plan to do these workouts, just a playground with some swings, gazebo or jungle gym. Of course you already have to be ridiculously strong to do most of their moves. I wish there was a better video of this online, like one with them doing sick pullups and bicycle moves on a jungle gym, but god damn google pulled all the decent videos off of youtube. Mother Fuckers.
You can't go through the rough neighborhoods in town without a ghetto pass, unless you're buying drugs. Also, the street has the right to revoke your pass at any time. (Common Lost his ghetto pass the second he wrote "Peace, Love and Gap®.")
The DL (down low, as in keep it on the) - The "hood" community is extremely homophobicic. There are gay black people, but to maintain their masculinity, they keep the deed on the down low.
Twice Fried French Fries - We all know that cold fries are the worst. They seemingly revert to raw potato texture. Even the microwave can't revive them. If you wake up one day with leftover fries sittin on a table, and that's a big if, just toss a little oil in a pan on low heat and recook those fries to their true deliciousness.
Well, there you have it. Those are some of the best ghetto secrets I could muster for now. I hope that helps you become less of a racist, you racist. Have a safe and happy holiday season, see you in the new year.
So I started this entry mid-finals week and it took me much longer than anticipated. Rather than act as if I wrote this all in one sitting, post-finals, I've decided to leave it as is, (except for this intro, of course) namely due to the fact that I mention the band Loverboy...
Well, I'm sitting here amidst a rabid finals week at a public university, blasting Loverboy, and trying to avoid anything that resembles studying. My thoughts dance seamlessly between my own delusions of grandeur... and a realization of the "cold, hard" world that sits waiting for me. (Then I hate myself for not thinking around the phrase "cold, hard.")
I, like any other delusional American, will avoid reality with a little known concept--coined by Johannes Hofer in 1678-- called nostalgia. Vh1 has saved itself from certain destruction many a time, soley by exploiting this concept... perhaps I can do the same.
One of the first things you learn as a young lad or lass is to embrace group-thought. Japan is especially extreme when it comes to the role of the "in group." There is absolutely no room for individual thinking in our society... I'm reminded of a girl in High School that thought she was a dragon...Goddamn she was funny... and mysteriously hot! He who sticks out of the crowd is laughed at, it's a rule of the school yard, and a law of the land.
It is in this environment that the FAD thrives. My "balls-to-the-walls" mentality has made me fully aware that my development was no more than a leap-frogging from Fad to Fad, and I am not only OK, but actually quite SECURE with that knowledge.
There are some amazing things that I now realize were intricate to my social development; things I want to go back to, have again, watch again, wear again. I could go on and on about every aspect of my childhood, and I just might. If not, this post will also be open ended, allowing me, much like Vh1, to fill in the gaps later on, in the form of a much less interesting blog.
Fashion
A lot can be said of a man from his pants. Granted, mine had a literal translation..."Husky." Coincidentally, I never cared much for jeans until modern times, when I could slip into a pair of "Regular Fit." But, all repressed fat memories aside, there where several notable pant forms that existed through my time, and I will attempt to chronicle them as best as possible.
Fortunately, the hospitals "Class of 1986" was not struck by the parachute pants craze like some poor, unfortunate elders. We did, however, fall victim to the Zubaz period. If you are unfamiliar with this pant, first let me say that you lucked out considerably. The best way I could describe it would be a Zebra patterned pant, in your favorite sports team's colors. You may have seen them on older polish guys from Chicago, or possibly hillbillys from the Appalachian Valley, as their fashion sense is roughly 15 years behind "main-stream" America. If you are familiar with Zubaz, wouldn't you just love to get a pair, you know, to work out in? I know I would...In fact, I think that's probably the only thing standing in the way of me working out. Except, of course, my considerable amounts of laziness.
No, if it were up to me, I'd just slink back into a pair of the baggiest pants I could find....OH WAIT, I DID! Yeah, they were called JNCO's, and they were probably the hottest commodity around! They were baggiest, most straight-leggiest jeans with awesome "Urban" art on the pockets. It really made everyone's legs look equally large...if it weren't for my damn upper torso! Anyway, according to the wikipedia page (that I just edited) , JNCO's will be back, so be on the lookout.
Who can forget about the Adidas tear-aways? Not a single youth with "Hoop Dreams" lacked these pants. The pants, essential; the premise, simple. Button up, and tear away. If there was an M. Night Shyamalan movie where the hero needed to dunk over some monster, someone would surely tell him to tear away, Mike, tear away.
Did M. Night direct Space Jam??? Nah, the ending didn't tie together . Regardless, this leads me to my next topic Sports
And by sports, I mean basketball. And by basketball I mean the Chicago Bulls. And by the Chicago Bulls I mean Michael Jordan. And by Michael Jordan I mean Bill Wennington. (the preceding statement is false) [Should I have used Luc Longley?]
What team can win three consecutive championships, take some time off for their star player to have a successful stint in baseball, then return to re-peat the proverbial three-peat?
The Chicago Bulls were not only a local phenomenon, but a national one. I cannot stress how empowering it is to know that your home team is the best in its class.
Toys
I'd like to note that I had essentially every Ninja Turtle, Power Ranger, Jedi and supervillain in action figure form. But I am much more fascinated with time tested, old favorites, returning for their one final stab at glory in the mid-90's. I'm trying to think of things that weren't really more than the some of their parts, I've come up with three:
Pogs - Remember those paper milkcaps from the 30's? Well they're back...in pog form. I'm certainly glad they added the radical graphics to them. I had a bodacious slammer, it was real thick and had the Mortal Kombat logo on it.
Trading Cards - Wow. I hope these get revived. I have about 500 sitting in my grandma's basement. Mint Condition, in plastic sleeves. I intend to sell every last one at a premium to recoup the hundreds of dollars I lost collecting every Fleer, Topps, Skybox or Upper Deck officially licensed NBA card. Sport card where my thought, but then it occurred to me that Magic The Gathering and Pokemon generated huge sales for the 2.5 x 3.5 in. paper-with-image-printed-on-it industry.
Yo-Yo's - Zainy Brainy's bread and butter. You know I'm talking about the Yomega fireball. Here is a comprehensive list of trick names; and while I've seen them all, I could only really do a sleeper, walk the dog, cat's cradle, and Michelangelo's Around the World, from TMNT II: Secret of the Ooze. I lacked basic hand-eye coordination in grade school. Still do.
I realize now that I've left out a lot of fads, trends, toys, shows, movies, events, and the like in the above post. Please, if you've stumbled upon this, I wanna hear what you think. I fully intend to Got Milk? this 90's nostalgia with a followup post.
Inconspicuously yours, Kevin "For the Weekend" Walsh
-An umbrella on a rainy day. -A piece of candy found on a sidewalk(fully wrapped, mind you). -A cigarette when you are really, and I mean really stressed. -A warm smile. -Plans going off without a hitch. -Having. Exact. Change. -People listening to your stupid problems, and at least pretending to care. -A bus that arrives right when you want it to. -Free food. -Free anything. -A song coming on randomly that happens to perfectly describe your mood. -Making your mom laugh(with you, not at you) -...hell, at you too. -Finding a quarter, anywhere. Not a fucking penny, nickle or dime. -Giving the middle finger to a complete and total stranger, for no reason.
