The Most Distressing Things on the Face of the Earth.....EVER

I saw this product on the shelves at Target, and I had to pick it up. Why? Because I invented it, that's why! Two years ago, no less. It was called the "Cranberry Kevin"(I toyed with the idea of calling it a Cranberry Cevin or Kranberry Kevin, but both looked too stupid, also because that whole re-lettering thing is no longer clever.)

It was a drink born out of necessity. Fed up with the juice selection, and bored by tired old sodas, as well as new attempts at adding flavors to sodas, I went to town concocting this beverage. I sought the perfect proportions of ice, lemon-lime soda, and cranberry juice. The result was the Cranberry Kevin.

It actually served well as a mixer as well, and with a simple double-shot of cranberry vodka, the alcoholic version was born. Now, these "geniuses" cleverly stole my drink. Goddamn talking dog.

I'll digress, for now.

Following the theme of things-that-really-induce-stress, I present you with the following. Not only are they stessors, but they also have severe tear-jerking capabilities. Some are light-hearted, some are extremely serious, but all are The Most Distressing Things on the Face of the Earth.....EVER:


Movies Where the Underdog Loses:

Its fairly ingrained in movies that the "Mighty Ducks" will win. The "Little Giants" of the movies will pull through, overcome adversity, learn something about each one of themselves, and win out in the end. When you "Cool Runnings" an ending, the viewer leaves the movie experience disgusted. How dare they toy with emotion like that!?!?! It's soul-less... it's immoral. What kind of message does this send to the youth? "If you aren't already the best, don't try, because you will just lose anyway." These types of movies have severely stunted the growth of our national pride

Native American Alcoholism:

First, small pox blankets, the trail of nears, and associated atrocities gringo has brought upon his native brother. Now, trailer parks, casinos, satellite television and a terrible addiction to Alcohol are the only things this proud indigenous race has to show for themselves.

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome:

We don't know the causes. There are no solutions.

Movies where a fat kid falls in love with a beautiful girl:

Cuz you know that just won't work out.

Public Displays of Racism:

Commonly known as PDR's, these never cease to tense me up. Especially when I know the racist. Even worse when I know both parties.

The Runner Up in any sort of pageant:

They jump and smile and act happy for the person who won, but you can see it in their eyes. Why force them to continue to share the stage? That's just cruel!

Inconvenienced Handicapped People:

If you've ever been on a crowded plane, and they've had to carry in someone to their seat, you know this feeling. Or out for a walk and crossed paths with a blind person, or someone in a wheel chair. These people lack a significant and common human function. And chances are, you take it for granted. Excessively large or short people are also significantly disadvantaged too in some respects...especially at theme parks for some reason. (All of those height and size constraints.) Also, controversially, I include obese people in the handicapped demographic. Here's my logic: a person crippled in an accident chose to jump dirt bikes through hoops of fire, just as a fat guy chose to eat all those chocolates.

Burn Wards:

This goes double true if located at a Children's Hospital

Sad Animals(Especially Dogs):

Possibly the most distressing thing I've experienced. When an animal is sad, it cuts to the core. Some animals, like dogs, seem to be comprised purely of emotion, so it hurts more to see one sad. This is often a gripping plot device in movies. They will either kill a dogs owner, or, more gut wrenchingly, a dog will jump in the path of a bullet shot at its master. So selfless. But it is true of other animals as well.
True story: There was a widowed mother duck who laid her eggs next to the front door of our house some years ago. Everything was going fine, she would go off and forage during parts of the day, and hang out near our house the rest. Well, one day, while she was out, I guess some sort of raccoon or wolverine-like creature came and ate every last egg. The real tear jerker, true in my mind today as the day it happened, is that mother duck which stood in our front yard, staring blankly into the wind. The last link she had to her deceased life-long mate, his offspring, brutally taken from her. If there isn't at least a single tear streaming down your cheek, I hate you. That was a beautiful, yet tragically gripping story, and you know it.



Well that's all for me this week, if anyone knows a lawyer, I think I have a very strong case against PepsiCo.

Kevin "Mathmagic" Walsh