Things I Find Incredibly Awesome(and theres no reason other people shouldn't find them awesome too) [part 3/3]

So I had a killer Wikipedia page for about 10 seconds.

(click the pic to see it full size)

Apparently, existing isn’t grounds enough for an entry.

Anywho, this is the third installment of my three part series, and what better a way to close this one out than...

TIME TRAVEL

How incredible would it be to one day be able to visit the past, to really observe it first hand. Now I’m not talking about traveling through time all willy-nilly, putting your parents back together at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance, killing your alternative-dimensional selves for super-strength, or stepping on a single butterfly, thus altering the future.

Well, actually, yeah I am. Those are probably some of the coolest prospects of time travel. The meat and potatoes, the bread and butter, however, would be for scientific/historical observational study.

Some smart guy (Stephen something) argues that the absence of tourists from the future suggests that time travel isn’t, nor ever will be, possible. I would like to refute S. Hawking’s argument with one of my own. (Yes, I am just so cocky as to do that)

Many views of how time travel works argue that you can only travel as far back as the time the machine was created. Since it hasn’t been invented yet, no one is traveling back here. It is possible, that on the day the machine is invented, 999,999,999,999,999…… people instantly show up from various points in the future, visiting the historic day in which time travel first became a reality. Alternatively, if this wasn’t the case, there are still other possibilities.

Let us assume, dear friends, that a society advanced enough possess the capabilities of time travel is also far beyond the level of civilization we currently have. (Picture shopping the day after Thanksgiving to be a good representative sample of our current civility) Anyway, I would imagine such an advanced culture would have regulations on when and where you could travel, armed with an advance knowledge that influencing the past could be über disruptive to the progress of the future.

If our culture got wind of a gateway to the future, we would most certainly become “future-dependant.” Future dependency is a serious issue; our natural progression in science and technology, art, music, literature, all would halt, as we would just pump in technology from the future. But this, in turn, would create a paradox, because we must naturally develop time travel technology, or else it wouldn’t exist. The Rapture would most certainly ensue.

If you traveled back in time and killed your own grandfather, prior to him boning granny, neither your parent nor you would ever be born. So then, who traveled to the past and sadistically murder grandpa?

Don’t sweat about it, it’s supposed to make no sense. It’s a paradox.


Dealing with the inherent paradoxes of time travel makes it more interesting to think about. I’m going to recommend further reading on the Grandfather Paradox and the Predestination Paradox. If you have the time, read up, they present some very interesting theories on how paradoxes of traveling to the past wouldn’t result in the end of the world. (They’re certainly more credible than that entry on Kevin Walsh) But for now, lets assume if we were caught in a paradox, the Rapture cometh.


I have a few different ideas of how the futurinos (as I’ve aptly named them) could interact the past, with little to no destructive disturbance:

- Send in realistic looking data collectors. A society capable of time travel should also be capable of insanely realistic-looking birds. These cyborg birds could also have cameras and sensors so microscopic that we can’t even detect them with our primitive technology. You want a safe investment? Nanotechnology.

-What if we have evolved so much that we can transform into whatever we want? For instance, I could become the cutest golden retriever you’ve ever seen, and then show up in the past at a shelter to be adopted and fawned over for the rest of my life. Sweet deal, wouldn’t you agree?

-Maybe the future is conducting experiments with the past that aren’t detrimental to humanity’s progress toward the future. What if planting dinosaur bones or staging Kennedy’s assassination were mere experiments to observe their impact on the human race? These experiments, of course, would have to be greatly calculated as to not disrupt society’s progress, but then again, this is the advanced futurinos were dealing with.


So yeah, I’ve bested Stephen Hawking yet again. Sue me.
I’ll be waiting for you, in the future.





…Oh shit, that was supposed to be my clever sign off, but I haven’t even discussed traveling to the future.

Well, need I even go into it? You can just “Phillip J. Fry” yourself into the future. You know, just “Walt Disney” yourself into the 38th century.
The real money is in bending time backwards to the past. Once you have that, you can just “Encino Man” yourself forward, then bend yourself back to the moment of freezing through some complex physics I’d rather not get in to right now.



Satisfied? Good.
Kevin “Carbonite” Walsh

Things I Find Incredibly Awesome(and theres no reason other people shouldn't find them awesome too) [part 2/3]

Next up in the great list is the only one of the three that can (and will) physically manifest itself in my world. Forgive me if the post is too short for your liking, but I have included a personal reflection period where you can just sit by the computer and daydream about the topic, much like earlier Americans did after listening to FDR's fireside chats. The topic, friends, is of course:

SECRET PASSAGEWAYS

Also referred to (by some) as Secret Passages, these ingenious devices have served practical purposes dating back to the time of the Ancient Egyptians. This great people, who broke the backs of thousands of slaves for entire lifetimes to construct the great pyramids, also built secret passageways to protect burial chambers from grave robbers. (Apparently threat of a Curse isn't deterrent enough)

The secret passage, like the triceratop, was a wonderful asset of Christianity. These passageways would lead to secret rooms where religious types could hide/practice faith in a time when Christians were persecuted for their beliefs.

But, dear friends, the number one purpose Secret Passageways have served over the course of time is... ESCAPE. Yes its true, those in power had secret passages in the event of an attack or uproar, usually leading a safe distance outside one's castle or fortress. Makes sense, but then you don't get the chance to ever use it, and I think that's the real crime.


The secret passage is one of those things you envision when planning your dream home. My dream home also has a cascading waterfall that flows from the second story into a lazy-river below. The difference. This dream is attainable. With precise planning and cooperation of an architect and a team of construction workers, this dream can become a reality.

I can finally have a hidden secret corridor leading to a relaxation room above my garage. Or a fireplace that spins out, revealing a slide down to a sub-basement complex/bomb shelter, where my life can continue (quite pleasantly) even in a post-apocalyptic world. Or possibly it will be a narrow, rugged passage to a small, white room where I can store all the memories of my old life. One day, my young children will discover my secret passageway, and it will drive them wild with delight. Even with the secret out, I could still reap the benefits by sharing that excitement with my son (presumably a son, though me writing that almost curses me to having all daughters).

I must suggest, if you intend to build your own home, that you take a look at these guys. They are engineers with a license in Secret Passageways. They have lots of clever (and functional) designs, and are certainly worth the added 20 grand to your building costs.

It is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.


I have one thing that I must stress before I leave you to your whimsical reflection period.
NO PERVERTS!
Seriously guys, if you are using a secret passageway to rape women or store kiddy porn, GET THE FUCK OUT. No one wants you here, and all you're gonna do is ruin it for the rest of us.

Now, that being said.....Reflect.


Insincerely yours (truly),

Kevin "Bueller, Ferris" Walsh

Things I Find Incredibly Awesome(and theres no reason other people shouldn't find them awesome too) [part 1/3]

I value a few things in life: honesty, symettry, and chronological ordering. Thats why, for post 1 of 3, we're starting with the oldest:

Dinosaurs

(Artist Rendering of a Dino-Man Cohabitation)

All hilarious images aside, Dinosaurs are fucking intense. They ruled the earth for over 160 million years. To put that in perspective, human beings haven't even been around 130,000 years (one/thousandth that amount of time), and we certainly haven't been RULING that long. I'm highly confident we'll all be dead before we can even begin to see the dinosaurs' ruling-record on the horizon. Just ask Al Gore, he would love to talk to you.

Types:

For the sake of time, we're only going to focus on the essentials, the big 5*, the ones the Mississippi school system would most likely claim are the only types of Dinosaur. In essence, I agree.

I'm olde-fashioned when it comes to dinosaurs. Number one in my book, the ferocious Tyrannosaurus Rex. Big ass carnivore, huge head, tail and back legs, with little midget arms, T. can tear you serveal new-ones. King Kong was able to exploit this advantage, however, and defeat this mighty giant, whose bones are now on display at the Field Museum. Don't fret; Kong was later defeated by T-Rex's evil cousin, Godzilla, somewhere in Japan.

Next up, the Brontosaurus. I refuse to refer to it as an Apatosaurus. No, I come from a more romantic time period, when Pluto was a planet, and a Brontosaur was a Brontosaur. They are a hard working animal, often used by crane operators at rock quarries, and are rumored to be very fun to slide down.

Stegosaurus, nature's gladiator. Brian the size of a peanut, sweet coat of armor, and the spikiest tail you could ever have the displeasure of getting struck by.

Velociraptors are excellent hunters. They're also super smart, and can quickly adapt. They remind me of the Borg (star trek reference #1). I wouldn't doubt it if they still existed today, biding thier time until they can recapture the Earth. All I know is that I wouldn't want a Raptor on the other side of my door.

Triceratops, the most prestigious of the dinosaur. Best known for thier role as the Jesus horse, the Triceratops gave the Christians a distinct advantage in the Crusades. Thier heads, a natural shield, with spikes able to wipe out an enitire front line of infidels.

*Pterodactyls are not technically dinosaur. Perhaps one day, I will post on Pterosaur, although that is highly unlikely

Extinction:

One of the coolest aspects of the Dinosaurs, bar none, is the mystery surrounding thier extinction. While some believe it to be due to a natural cooling of the Earth, combined with decreasing oxygen levels that killed off the dinosaurs, the non-lame view is that the Earth was struck by a giant asteroid, or possibly tons of comets.

What a way to go.

An object from space collides with Earth, causing an impact that would make Nagasaki look like Kawasaki. Then, fragements from the space rock cause global firestorms. Yes, raining fire.
Next, in a catoclismic "Insult to Injury", the worldwide dust cloud that forms from the impact blocks out the sun for months, causing steep temperature changes and effectively killing off lots of plant life. Those which need lots of food to survive, i.e. our dinosaurs, would easily fall from such a massive reduction in the food supply.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! We can only dream of that shit in the movies. (note to self: rent armageddon, and if thats checked out rent deep impact) One of my top 10 ways to die is in an asteroid collision, (future post) and the dinos have already been there, done that.


Dinosaurs......today? :

Many scientists believe that birds are the modern decendants of dinosaurs. I have mixed feeling on this subject. On the one hand, I want to scream "FUCK THAT!!" at the top of my lungs. (as emphasized with the two exclamation points) On the other hand, take a look at a bird, watch its movements, take a look at its head moving side to side. Tell me that's not dinosauric.

But what about real dinosaurs walking amongst us? We've all seen Jurassic Park. That could not happen. And if it could, We've all seen Jurassic Park TWO. I don't have time to deal with a T-Rex running through my neighborhood, eating up dogs all the live-long day. I just don't.

I say leave the dinosaurs where they belong, thriving in the past. Don't re-create them to be some Zoo feature. They deserve more... Unless, of course, we affix weapons to them, and ride our Dinosaurs into battle, like Jesus did, in the old country.

Cheers, Ya'll, Cheers,
Kevin "Edits Old Posts for Consistency" Walsh

Y-2-¿Que?

Today I decided to create a blog and, Voilà, a blog is formed. Imagine if I decided to create more, like a clay pot... or a human child. But alas, those decisions are meant for another day.

This blog is to serve as a window into my thoughts/thought process. It will be a mixture of: facts, "facts", lies, statistics, beliefs, opinions, and the like; all of which will be presented as "Truth".

This post, however, is to serve as a model while I set up the color scheme and layout of this blog.

I apologize, nay; I don't apologize if this wasted your time.


Yours truly,

Kevin "The Jam Band" Walsh