Top Ten Ways To Die

Yessir, after extensive thought, I've narrowed down the ways that I, Kevin "Scotch-Tape" Walsh, would like to die, given the option.

Number Ten: Being Swallowed Whole
Like by some large Dinosaur or Whale, spending the rest of your days in his stomach, sitting on a makeshift bench, eating any food that comes in, maybe a small fire off to the side dimly lighting the oversized organ. I would no doubt compile a journal, be it on makeshift paper or carved into the large beast's stomach lining. I'd also have a set of tallies indicating the number of days I'd spent in the creature's gullet.

Number Nine: Reverse Aging
Its a common scenario forced upon heroes in cartoons; some sinister madman creates a potion that literally turns back your biological clock, and you grow rapidly younger with every passing second. You continue shrinking until you become a baby, and shortly after that, you blink out of existence. This is a preferred way of death for me because I would do anything to be a kid once more...

Number Eight: Natural Causes
And by "Natural" I mean "Sexual." Going out on the brink of orgasm is probably every man's goal in death. The top of the mountain, the peak, why go downhill when you can just die?

Number Seven: With A Conspiracy Surrounding My Death
I kind of want a real "Magic Bullet" end to my less-than-mysterious life. It would be ideal if the logistics of the cause of death were nonsensical, but thats just the icing. If I was to be murdered, I would want it to be for no conceivable reason to the public except that someone was either incredibly infatuated, or incredibly jealous of whom I was. That person should be a mystery to the world, and remain a mystery until 50 years later, when the murderer, motive, and exact cause were released from government archives.

Number Six: Being Sucked Into Some Form Of Vortex
I initially considered being sucked into a tornado as one of my top ways to die, but I decided to look at the larger whole. Why stop at an earthly natural disaster? There are other swirly things that could suck me in to my demise, like a black hole! Of course, if this were the case, I feel I should at least receive the unadulterated knowledge of how black holes work, seconds before my untimely end. That way, for two seconds, I would hold the answers physicists have sought after for years. Two seconds is just enough time to smile at how much more you know than anyone else in the world.

Number Five: In A Dual Where, After Being Shot First, I Manage To Rise Up And Kill My Opponent Before Dieing
It's the stuff that westerns and revenge flicks are all about; to die the ultimate badass. It also messes with the audience a little bit. You see someone shot, you think it's over. To rise up shows both one's strength physically as well as the mental commitment to bringing that opponent down for the great sleep. That person will die...Even if it is literally the last thing I do

Number Four: Doing Something Incredibly Noble And Selfless To Single-Handedly Save Humanity
This scenario has been inspired by the movies. I think, nay, I know it would be amazing to be placed on a mission knowing the there would be no mortal return for me, but the end results of said mission would save the entire human race. (Or at least a group of people that meant the world to me) I would happily trade my life for those of my close peers/species. Especially since my Kamikaze mission would no doubt be etched in minds, hearts, even history as a whole, forever. This blog post has been dedicated to Kevin Walsh, the man who knowingly and selflessly sacrificed himself to save our planet from certain destruction.

Number Three: Killed By Some Sort Of Alternate/Bizarro/Mirror Self
For all I know, I'm the evil me. If I was killed by myself, I'll know that the better man won. Clearly I've been bested. In fact, I'm certain the only one that can beat me is... well, me. The question is, is this act homicide... or suicide? If it was suicide, was it really me that committed suicide, or was it my mirror self? And what happens if after killing me he kills himself? Double-Suicide? These questions are better left to the future police of the human race(s).

Number Two: Some Irreversible Scenario Where I Still Have The Time To Belt One Sweet (Catch) Phrase
Also inspired by the motion pictures. I'd love to discover a bomb with only two seconds left on it, enough time to say one last (hopefully witty) thing before the grand kablamo! I really need to consider what to say. The simple "Shit." would work nicely, but it would be great to think of something really memorable to say, like "Figures." or "It's a living." or something real cool and related. Also, I think a simple yelling would work, like screaming at an oncoming nuclear explosion until it eradicated my existence.

Number One: The Apocalypse
Oh man, the king of all death scenarios. I would certainly be left behind, as I am no more a Christian than you are a Chesapeake Bay Retriever, but this would make for an even more awesome and intense death. Not only would it solve the greatest mystery of mankind's existence, shoving in your face how wrong you really were, but the things you would have to deal with in the final hours would be nuts. Earthquakes. Comets. Man killing man. Plagues. Intense Heat. Poisoned Waters. Locusts attacking flesh. Seas turning to blood! Oh the lime-anity! Imagine surviving through all of these things, witnesses the four horseman ride. Knowing that your end is near, I know it seems harsh. But it would certainly be one killer death.


Kevin "Pun intended" Walsh

SuperMegaFantasticHappyFunTime ExtremeBlowoutDoublePost [New York Trip]

This is more of a personal post than anything else, so I'll understand if you don't care to read it. ^The other half of this dual post is above ^

I was in New York for this past weekend, and I bring to you some photographs and observations from the trip. First, I'm going to let off some steam at AD Majors @ UofI as a whole, as I was thrown in an incubator with them all weekend. I made about 5 friends out of the 100, and I'm fine with that, as I'm convinced that those 5 made up the entire cool population of the trip. My Gripes:

For the most part, AD Majors at UofI are one of two things.*
*please note that there are some exceptions, if I know you, chances are you are an exception.*

>Sorostitutes: Ever wonder what major idiot sorority girls choose? It's certainly not engineering. I've never seen so much of the same shade of blonde as I have in my advertising classes.
>Assholes: The few males in the field it seems, frat or not, are just plain assholes. Awkward as shit, yet assholes nonetheless. Maybe they put on the attitude in some peacock way of attracting sorostitute tail. Sorority Girls and Assholes, that’s the base makeup of my major. I like my chances.

There are Two approaches said AD Majors have to their future.

>The Undecided: This mainly applies to the aforementioned "Sorostitutes." They have no idea what they actually want to do in the field. These are juniors and seniors with no knowledge of where they're gonna be in less than a year or two. I especially enjoy those who feel that they want to be a creative, with no sense of humor, writing or art talent to back them up. "Hmmmm, well, I was like, thinking of being an art director maybe...." Good luck. I recommend something low cut with your push-upiest of bras. You may just be able to dupe someone in to thinking you have talent.
>The Shark: This person views every single person in the field as competition. This person feels that there can be no real friends in this business, as one day everyone around you may come to usurp their glorious throne. Ok hotshot, have fun building future enemies instead of friends. We'll see how well that works in the long run.

Now, my comments on the Big Apple, the Big Easy, the City that Never Sleeps:

New York is Chicago Times Ten
I hate to say it, but it really is a much more intense Chicago. The buildings are bigger, there are way more tourists, later nights, the city is dirtier, but all in all, I feel safer in New York than in downtown Chicago.

They Aren't as Rude as You'd Think
New York has a stigma of being filled with real exceptionally rude people. This didn't ring true for me though. People actually pointed us in the right direction, helped us out and such. There was a slight amount of stiff-arming, but that’s only when it got really crowded. I hate looking like a tourist, so I tried to blend in, but when I got lost, they helped out. Props New Yorkers.

Seeing things on TV up close and in person is really a mindfuck.
This is mainly because TV portrays them incredibly inaccurately. We were at Rockefeller Center, inside NBC studios, and an assortment of other places which look differently than they do on TV. Rockefeller is actually fairly small, NBC is poorly lit, and MTV does not look nearly as cool as they make it on TRL.

Anything You Want to Do There Requires Weeks and Weeks of Notice
Shows, tapings, tours, etc. Plan ahead if you ever go. It may sound sucky that you have to map out an entire vacation, but trust me; it'd be for the best.

Bums Are Less Abrasive:
They mostly keep to themselves on the steps of churches. I did see one kneeling down and urinating at passersby, but that’s the extent of the bum outburst. There were one or two people sitting with the clever signs like "Why lie? It's for beer!" Instead of the direct bums, you see lots of street performers. Musicians, Mimes, Artists, Small Vendors, etc. It’s a much better system when you earn your money, rather than beg. Subways are filled with an equal number of performers as visible rodents (both make the New York experience more lively).

New York's Pizza IS NOT Better Than Chicago's.
I don't care what the people from NYC have to say, their pizza is no better. Sure they have all sorts of crazy toppings, but there's a place at UofI (Antonio’s) that makes pizza exactly the same way. Having first been exposed to Antonio’s, I don't find New York clever nor original (even if Antonio transplanted this type of Za from there to here) Not to mention we got the DEEP DISH! I'll take big and thick over long and thin any day, am I right ladies?

People Don't Like Talking To Strangers.
This makes sense from my stereotype of New York, but I was a little taken aback when, waiting for my flight to Chicago, people were the same way. What an individualistic society we live in, when people would rather sit in silence, or listen to the same damn songs for an hour instead of talking to another human being. Exchanging verbal contact, sharing and learning from someone else, was a core human value. I would have really thought this would be more popular, as it gives a chance for people to talk about themselves and share their tired old stories to someone new and different who will appreciate them. Maybe if I had some candy they'd wanna talk.

Oh, and guess what. I encountered one of The Most Distressing Things on the Face of the Earth...EVER! Yup, as I'm getting on a plane, in the aisle seat, sure enough, a man without the use of his legs. Worse yet is I had the window seat. He ended up crawling over to the window so that I wouldn't have to climb over him. Then some couple came and asked him to trade seats with one of them so they could sit together! AH!!!! I immediately volunteered myself for the job, and sat between two very pleasant people on the ride home. Social Disaster Averted.

The Most Distressing Things on the Face of the Earth.....EVER

I saw this product on the shelves at Target, and I had to pick it up. Why? Because I invented it, that's why! Two years ago, no less. It was called the "Cranberry Kevin"(I toyed with the idea of calling it a Cranberry Cevin or Kranberry Kevin, but both looked too stupid, also because that whole re-lettering thing is no longer clever.)

It was a drink born out of necessity. Fed up with the juice selection, and bored by tired old sodas, as well as new attempts at adding flavors to sodas, I went to town concocting this beverage. I sought the perfect proportions of ice, lemon-lime soda, and cranberry juice. The result was the Cranberry Kevin.

It actually served well as a mixer as well, and with a simple double-shot of cranberry vodka, the alcoholic version was born. Now, these "geniuses" cleverly stole my drink. Goddamn talking dog.

I'll digress, for now.

Following the theme of things-that-really-induce-stress, I present you with the following. Not only are they stessors, but they also have severe tear-jerking capabilities. Some are light-hearted, some are extremely serious, but all are The Most Distressing Things on the Face of the Earth.....EVER:


Movies Where the Underdog Loses:

Its fairly ingrained in movies that the "Mighty Ducks" will win. The "Little Giants" of the movies will pull through, overcome adversity, learn something about each one of themselves, and win out in the end. When you "Cool Runnings" an ending, the viewer leaves the movie experience disgusted. How dare they toy with emotion like that!?!?! It's soul-less... it's immoral. What kind of message does this send to the youth? "If you aren't already the best, don't try, because you will just lose anyway." These types of movies have severely stunted the growth of our national pride

Native American Alcoholism:

First, small pox blankets, the trail of nears, and associated atrocities gringo has brought upon his native brother. Now, trailer parks, casinos, satellite television and a terrible addiction to Alcohol are the only things this proud indigenous race has to show for themselves.

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome:

We don't know the causes. There are no solutions.

Movies where a fat kid falls in love with a beautiful girl:

Cuz you know that just won't work out.

Public Displays of Racism:

Commonly known as PDR's, these never cease to tense me up. Especially when I know the racist. Even worse when I know both parties.

The Runner Up in any sort of pageant:

They jump and smile and act happy for the person who won, but you can see it in their eyes. Why force them to continue to share the stage? That's just cruel!

Inconvenienced Handicapped People:

If you've ever been on a crowded plane, and they've had to carry in someone to their seat, you know this feeling. Or out for a walk and crossed paths with a blind person, or someone in a wheel chair. These people lack a significant and common human function. And chances are, you take it for granted. Excessively large or short people are also significantly disadvantaged too in some respects...especially at theme parks for some reason. (All of those height and size constraints.) Also, controversially, I include obese people in the handicapped demographic. Here's my logic: a person crippled in an accident chose to jump dirt bikes through hoops of fire, just as a fat guy chose to eat all those chocolates.

Burn Wards:

This goes double true if located at a Children's Hospital

Sad Animals(Especially Dogs):

Possibly the most distressing thing I've experienced. When an animal is sad, it cuts to the core. Some animals, like dogs, seem to be comprised purely of emotion, so it hurts more to see one sad. This is often a gripping plot device in movies. They will either kill a dogs owner, or, more gut wrenchingly, a dog will jump in the path of a bullet shot at its master. So selfless. But it is true of other animals as well.
True story: There was a widowed mother duck who laid her eggs next to the front door of our house some years ago. Everything was going fine, she would go off and forage during parts of the day, and hang out near our house the rest. Well, one day, while she was out, I guess some sort of raccoon or wolverine-like creature came and ate every last egg. The real tear jerker, true in my mind today as the day it happened, is that mother duck which stood in our front yard, staring blankly into the wind. The last link she had to her deceased life-long mate, his offspring, brutally taken from her. If there isn't at least a single tear streaming down your cheek, I hate you. That was a beautiful, yet tragically gripping story, and you know it.



Well that's all for me this week, if anyone knows a lawyer, I think I have a very strong case against PepsiCo.

Kevin "Mathmagic" Walsh