Top Ten Ways To Die

Yessir, after extensive thought, I've narrowed down the ways that I, Kevin "Scotch-Tape" Walsh, would like to die, given the option.

Number Ten: Being Swallowed Whole
Like by some large Dinosaur or Whale, spending the rest of your days in his stomach, sitting on a makeshift bench, eating any food that comes in, maybe a small fire off to the side dimly lighting the oversized organ. I would no doubt compile a journal, be it on makeshift paper or carved into the large beast's stomach lining. I'd also have a set of tallies indicating the number of days I'd spent in the creature's gullet.

Number Nine: Reverse Aging
Its a common scenario forced upon heroes in cartoons; some sinister madman creates a potion that literally turns back your biological clock, and you grow rapidly younger with every passing second. You continue shrinking until you become a baby, and shortly after that, you blink out of existence. This is a preferred way of death for me because I would do anything to be a kid once more...

Number Eight: Natural Causes
And by "Natural" I mean "Sexual." Going out on the brink of orgasm is probably every man's goal in death. The top of the mountain, the peak, why go downhill when you can just die?

Number Seven: With A Conspiracy Surrounding My Death
I kind of want a real "Magic Bullet" end to my less-than-mysterious life. It would be ideal if the logistics of the cause of death were nonsensical, but thats just the icing. If I was to be murdered, I would want it to be for no conceivable reason to the public except that someone was either incredibly infatuated, or incredibly jealous of whom I was. That person should be a mystery to the world, and remain a mystery until 50 years later, when the murderer, motive, and exact cause were released from government archives.

Number Six: Being Sucked Into Some Form Of Vortex
I initially considered being sucked into a tornado as one of my top ways to die, but I decided to look at the larger whole. Why stop at an earthly natural disaster? There are other swirly things that could suck me in to my demise, like a black hole! Of course, if this were the case, I feel I should at least receive the unadulterated knowledge of how black holes work, seconds before my untimely end. That way, for two seconds, I would hold the answers physicists have sought after for years. Two seconds is just enough time to smile at how much more you know than anyone else in the world.

Number Five: In A Dual Where, After Being Shot First, I Manage To Rise Up And Kill My Opponent Before Dieing
It's the stuff that westerns and revenge flicks are all about; to die the ultimate badass. It also messes with the audience a little bit. You see someone shot, you think it's over. To rise up shows both one's strength physically as well as the mental commitment to bringing that opponent down for the great sleep. That person will die...Even if it is literally the last thing I do

Number Four: Doing Something Incredibly Noble And Selfless To Single-Handedly Save Humanity
This scenario has been inspired by the movies. I think, nay, I know it would be amazing to be placed on a mission knowing the there would be no mortal return for me, but the end results of said mission would save the entire human race. (Or at least a group of people that meant the world to me) I would happily trade my life for those of my close peers/species. Especially since my Kamikaze mission would no doubt be etched in minds, hearts, even history as a whole, forever. This blog post has been dedicated to Kevin Walsh, the man who knowingly and selflessly sacrificed himself to save our planet from certain destruction.

Number Three: Killed By Some Sort Of Alternate/Bizarro/Mirror Self
For all I know, I'm the evil me. If I was killed by myself, I'll know that the better man won. Clearly I've been bested. In fact, I'm certain the only one that can beat me is... well, me. The question is, is this act homicide... or suicide? If it was suicide, was it really me that committed suicide, or was it my mirror self? And what happens if after killing me he kills himself? Double-Suicide? These questions are better left to the future police of the human race(s).

Number Two: Some Irreversible Scenario Where I Still Have The Time To Belt One Sweet (Catch) Phrase
Also inspired by the motion pictures. I'd love to discover a bomb with only two seconds left on it, enough time to say one last (hopefully witty) thing before the grand kablamo! I really need to consider what to say. The simple "Shit." would work nicely, but it would be great to think of something really memorable to say, like "Figures." or "It's a living." or something real cool and related. Also, I think a simple yelling would work, like screaming at an oncoming nuclear explosion until it eradicated my existence.

Number One: The Apocalypse
Oh man, the king of all death scenarios. I would certainly be left behind, as I am no more a Christian than you are a Chesapeake Bay Retriever, but this would make for an even more awesome and intense death. Not only would it solve the greatest mystery of mankind's existence, shoving in your face how wrong you really were, but the things you would have to deal with in the final hours would be nuts. Earthquakes. Comets. Man killing man. Plagues. Intense Heat. Poisoned Waters. Locusts attacking flesh. Seas turning to blood! Oh the lime-anity! Imagine surviving through all of these things, witnesses the four horseman ride. Knowing that your end is near, I know it seems harsh. But it would certainly be one killer death.


Kevin "Pun intended" Walsh